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When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal, by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier
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Have you ever been lied to by a lover? In this straightforward and supportive book, therapist Susan Forward profiles the wide variety of liars, shows you how to deal with the lies -- from the benign to the lethal -- that these men spin, and gives practical strategies to stop them before they ruin your relationship and, ultimately, your life.
Once you find out the truth about your lover and his lies, what do you do? Forward offers practical, proven, step-by-step methods for healing the wounds caused by his deception and betrayal. She provides all the communication and behavioral techniques you need to deal with a lover's lies, telling you exactly what to say, when and how to respond to his reactions, and how to present your requirements for staying in the relationship. With understanding and compassion, she helps you decide whether your relationship can be saved and shows you how to move beyond doubt and regret if you feel that it can't. But whether you stay or go, you can learn to love and trust again.
- Sales Rank: #57192 in Books
- Brand: Harper Perennial
- Published on: 1999-12-22
- Released on: 1999-12-22
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .54" w x 5.31" l, .40 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 240 pages
- Great product!
From Publishers Weekly
Forward has written several self-help classics about lousy, damaging relationships (Emotional Blackmail; Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them). Once again, she combines gentle empathy with no-nonsense advice as she examines men who lie to women and what women can do about it. Her goal, she writes, addressing women who have been lied to, is to "transform the wounds of betrayal and deception into the wisdom that will illuminate your path." From sexual infidelity to financial disaster, hidden addictions to secret ex-wives, Forward focuses on the serious lies that "involve an intent to deceive" and always "harm us and our relationships." She explains men's various motives, beliefs and behavior patterns, as well as women's frequent denial, "collusion" and acceptance of blame. Forward clearly describes the kind of liar she calls "the sociopath" and sternly warns women to steer clear of the beast and, if already involved with one, to "leave immediately." She then moves on to specific steps for confronting the (non-sociopathic) liar with the reality of his behavior and advises women how to set conditions for continuing the relationship and how to get support from friends, family and professional counselors. Buttressing her advice with examples from her practice, Forward offers some straight talk to women who may have forgotten what candor sounds like.
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Has the man in your life betrayed your confidence and trust? If yes, this powerful new audio will provide invaluable advice. Forward (Betrayal of Innocence, Audio Reviews, LJ 5/15/92), an internationally acclaimed therapist with over 20 years in private practice, shows how to maneuver through the tangled web of lying in love relationships. She profiles the wide variety of liars, tells how to deal with the lies, and helps develop practical strategies to stop them before they destroy your relationship and your life. The author offers proven step-by-step methods for healing the wounds caused by deception and betrayal and also lights the path to rebuilding confidence and self-respect in both you and your partner. Recommended.AMarty D. Evensvold, Magnolia P.L., TX
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
"Susan Forward's wisdom and compassion shines through in this excellent guide for women about a potentially devastating experience in their lives. Fascinating reading!"-- Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., author of" Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" and "End the Struggle and Dance with Life""Susan Forward does it again with this powerful book that will go a long way toward helping women regain their balance and self-esteem in the aftermath of betrayal."-- June M. Reinisch, Ph.D., director emeritus, the Kinsey Institute, author of "The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex""Lying is a surefire way to demolish self-esteem and destroy relationships. This very useful guide shows us how to detect lies in those we love, confront the liar, and work through the betrayal so we emerge stronger and wiser."-- Ellen McGrath, PH.D., chair, American Psychological Association, National Task Force on Women and Depression"In this landmark book, Forward describes how lying and betrayal take place in loving relationships. In this practical guide, filled with helpful clinical anecdotes, she shows how people can move to new dimensions of love and healing. A must read!"-- Rabbi Levi Meier, Ph.D., chaplain, Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, clinical psychologist, author of "Moses, the Prince of Egypt: His Life, Legend & Message for Our Lives ""Betrayal goes way beyond sexual affairs to include a host of lies and secrets. When Your Lover Is a Liar is an outstanding guide for helping women reduce the trauma of such interpersonal violations, choose a direction, and rebuild their sense of self."-- Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of "After the Affair"
Most helpful customer reviews
118 of 119 people found the following review helpful.
This book is AWESOME
By Book Lover
I would give this book 10 stars if I could. I love the author's no nonsense, no excuses style of writing.
I bought two copies of this book - one for myself and one for my sister. The reason I bought it is because my sister is in a marriage full of lies & infidelity and I wanted to understand why she stays in the marriage. It did help me to see that she sees everything through rose colored glasses and is in major denial because all her hopes and dreams have been shattered therefore she has to cling to something!
Before I read this book I thought that my sister's situation was unique, that she & her husband wouldn't fit into any category. Boy, was I wrong! I was completely amazed that all these liars fit into neat little categories. My brother-in-law is "the confessor" and uses "the insanity defense" as his excuses for lying and cheating. I could not believe that I was reading about their life in this book! Even the things that my sister tells us (her family) is in there (i.e. no one else understands, no one knows him like I do, etc., etc.) It's all in there!!
What I love most about this book is once you read it, you will never again be able to fall for his lies again! It opens your eyes and I think once you read it you will never look at the liar the same again. You will see all the lies for exactly what they are - LIES - instead of "I hope he is telling me the truth this time". The author shows you the pattern that all these liars follow therefore when you read this book you will recognize it for what it is!
I desperately hope that my sister will read the copy I sent to her. If not, maybe she will at least donate it to her local library to help women who actually want to be helped!
I highly recommend this book if you are in a relationship based on lies (even if you just suspect lies) and deception. You won't be sorry!
132 of 147 people found the following review helpful.
Mistresses are not victims & Liars are not keepers
By Elisabeth
In this book, the author does a good job describing the types of lies men tell, what tactics they use to avoid negative consequences when confronted, and how to spot the most dangerous liar of all -- the sociopath.
But I also had 2 major problems with this book, too:
PROBLEM # 1 - Treating mistresses like victims.
Mistresses are portrayed as victims because the married men they cheat with lied about leaving their wives for them. While true they did lie about leaving, they did NOT lie about being married. From the start, these women knew they were married and yet, entered his marriage without bothering to get his wife's consent.
They also knew that in order to be together, these men had to continuously lie to their wives. So if they're OK with that deal, that tells me they're OK with deception...just as long as only the wife is being deceived. Once they got deceived, too, suddenly they cried foul play, with the author joining the pity party.
Mistresses, however, are not victims. They're just opportunists who tried to prosper by cheating, but their plans to run off with another's husband backfired on them.
Does the author ever challenge these mistress's poor character? No. Instead, she focuses solely on the married man's poor character.
Her life lesson is that a mistress shouldn't hope a married man will leave his wife for her because a man who could cheat on his wife could cheat on her, too. True....but if she helped him cheat, for her own selfish gain, that means she considers cheating a justifiable means to an end. So wouldn't that make her just as risky for future cheating, too?
Another life lesson is that while the author knows of some men who leave their wives for their mistresses -- and good relationships result from his doing so -- the author says this rarely happens, so mistresses shouldn't get their hopes up too high.
There's 3 things wrong with this message:
(1) Mistresses are likely to ignore the rare part and focus on the exception part instead. If she's the exception, then the wife is in the way...and it's scary what some women do to women in the way.
(2) Two people seeking pleasure at someone else's expense obviously have some serious narcissistic issues...so this author believing two narcissists can have great relationships calls to question this author's expertise on what constitutes a healthy relationship.
(3) When a wife is cheated on, it is one of the most humiliating and degrading experiences she could ever go through...and then to be left for the accomplice? Even more degrading. So if a mistress is hoping a man will inflict this double-whammy of pain onto his wife, for her own self gain, that should call into question her character...but again, the author doesn't.
And because the author doesn't, mistresses will likely conclude the problem is entirely his. Case in point -- one woman asked her married lover, "How can you live like this?" It's an odd question given that if she found his lying so objectionable, then why didn't she object when he lied to his wife to be with her?
The real question she should ask is - how can SHE live with herself knowing she's helping a liar?
PROBLEM # 2 - The author's advice on dealing with a liar
Once women realize they're involved with a liar, the author advises women to have him recommit to a relationship based on integrity...so no more lying. She provides assertive responses in case he manipulates her further.
The problem with this logic is that men who place a high value on being honest and playing fair ALREADY have relationships based on integrity. They needn't recommit to values they already have. Of course, they're not perfect, but they're not chronic liars either.
That's why, although I believe in being assertive, I'm more concerned with WHO you're trying to reach. How realistic is it to expect a man who doesn't value integrity to transform into a man who does?
One man, when caught cheating, mischievously said, "I've been a bad boy." If you get a similar response, the author says you should tell him you understand the conversation is making him uncomfortable, but you won't get anywhere if he uses comedy. I, however, see his comedy as proof that he's not really sorry and too immature to be in an adult relationship, so it's better to leave him.
There is a section about leaving, however, before you're allowed to leave, you're supposed to second guess yourself by asking if you've given him enough time to change, are you being too impulsive, etc...? A chronic liar, however, doesn't deserve this kind of analysis.
Marriage is based on trust, so if one person deliberately breaks that trust for his own selfish gain, that person loses the right to stay in the marriage. Therefore, you're justified in leaving - right now - without granting him second or third chances.
I'm uncomfortable with any advice that second guesses leaving a mental abuser and thus, procrastinate in leaving one. That's why I prefer the book Romantic Deception by Dr. Sally Caldwell over this one.
In Caldwell's book, you won't find advice on converting a liar into a man with integrity. Instead, you'll find out how to identify a liar, why it's best to leave one, and how to leave one safely.
15 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Do yourself a favor and buy this book!
By A Customer
After finding out my "now" ex-boyfriend, who was temporarily working in another state, had been cheating on me with someone for several months, I thought I must be crazy, stupid, or both to not have seen the signs sooner. I also went through the devastation, self-blame and feelings of panic that Susan describes in this book to a "T". She even got right the types of denials my ex-boyfriend had made to me when I confronted him. While no book can make the pain disappear, it sure is nice to know your feelings and thoughts are not crazy, but instead are shared by so many others. She really concentrates on helping you to stop beating yourself up over something you didn't cause or ask for in the first place. Here's a woman who's been there AND understands.
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